I sat around today and was thinking how I cant wait to have my lil guy to chase by the pool and spend my summer days with. I so cant wait to see his lil face and hold those lil feet that have been kicking me every night. It amazes me how I can love someone so much and he isn't even here yet and he is already my world. I catch myself talking about how things are going to be when he is older or just things I wanna do with him and then I am brought back to reality that we are not sure we even have a future and it crushes me on the inside that I even have to think like that. I just want so bad to wake up and this just be a nightmare and I find out that my babies lungs are perfect and there is no doubt I will bring him home. I don't feel bad for myself for having to deal with all the stress and anxiety from knowing that My baby has CDH, I feel bad when I think about how hard he is going to have it in just the first couple weeks of his life and that I am helpless in doing anything to help him.
I keep thinking about how my delivery is going to happen and how that day is going happen. Just thinking about it scares me to death. I get asked well you are excited right? I am so excited to see that little face that I have been trying to have for many years now, but I know him being inside me is the safest place for him and the only way I can protect him. Knowing that I am going to wake up and he wont be in there anymore just don't seem real after having 3 other surgery while pregnant and I would always ask is my baby OK and now it wont be that easy.
I was reading through another mothers blog who has a baby with CDH and I found some words that I thought were really good .
Having a baby with a birth defect such as CDH or any other kind, does not mean you are less blessed then someone who does not have one. If your child dies in the womb or outside of the womb at ANY age, you are not less of a mother or father. In fact, your more blessed then you think. We are more blessed. Because God has chosen us to be there mommies and daddies. He chose us before they were even thought of, and God KNEW that only a strong Mommy and Daddy could endure such heart ache. It's ok to hurt, it doesn't mean we've given up. It's ok to cry, it doesn't mean we don't have hope. The important thing is that we don't get off track, and we keep pushing toward the finish line
Thursday, May 26, 2011
The Dr. appointment didn't go as I had hoped for today. The office was a bit hectic due to another mother giving birth and one of the regular Dr.s I see every week is out of town for work and there was a different ultrasound tech there too! Usually the 2 doctors and the ultrasound tech each do a measurement and then give me the average but today only one doctor and I am really not even sure if the tech did a measurement, but we did get a little better on the head lung ratio it is now a 2.4.Dr.Yang said that the lungs are not as bright ( the gel made them appear bright on the ultrasound) so there is a chance that the gel is dissolving. We knew this would happen but just had hoped that the gel would have stayed in there for a bit longer. It is not totally gone but we think it might be dissolving he said it is hard to tell. I am happy to hear there was a bit of an increase in the ratio I guess I just had hoped for more.I asked if they had set a date for me to have the c section but he said they were going to take careful consideration in determining that so once again is is unknown. I am praying that Dr.Yang will be in town when I give birth and he is able to do the surgery on the baby as well ( He had a vacation planned to go home before I came to the Fetal Care Institute), I asked him today and he said he is working on it so we will see. He is an amazing doctor that I know will take great care of my little guy. I hope next weeks visit there is still a little more growth we are hoping to get into the 3's before the gel is gone. Thanks to everyone who is reading this and praying for my little guy weather I know you or not I am beyond thankful for every single prayer he gets.
Friday, May 20, 2011
The doctor appointment went really good yesterday.Our lil guy now weighs 2lbs 5oz! All the doctors were very excited to see both the lungs! The head to lung ratio was a 2.1, the past visits it has been a 1.1 then a 1.6 then a 1.3 which means 2.1 was very exciting to hear! I have 3 different people that do measurements and then they take the average between the 3 and one of them even got a 2 . 7 which is amazing! We have to hope and pray that the lungs continue to grow for another 3 weeks and the head to lung ratio goes up, after the 3 weeks we expect the head to lung to go down b/c then the gel will be gone. The higher we can get it in the next 3 weeks the better :) They said that the gel seems to be doing exactly what it is suppose to be doing, so we had a good take ! Dr. Valastos said that in the past if the gel has taken like ours has then we should continue to see growth. We took a tour of the NICU, that will be my home for a while after he is born. Thank you all for the prayers they seem to be working so please keep them coming we still have a long road ahead of us. Most of all lets hope he stays put inside for at least another 70 days ! In the mean time he is having a blast kicking away in there and I am loving every minute of it !
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
It really seems like just yesterday I had the nurse walk in and tell me I was pregnant. I was beyond excited I didn't know what to do or who to call. ( Normally people will tell their husbands 1st but mine works midnights so he was sleeping and the phone was off) I remember thinking August is so far away, now with just about 2 months left I look back and think where did time go. In one since I cant wait to see his sweet lil face and hold his hand but then the thought of him not being inside where he is safe scares the heck out of me. I am going to miss the kicks that keep me up all night and when I laugh and Dustin looks at me like I am crazy b/c I am laughing out of no where. I sit here and think about how hectic our lives are right now with all the hospital stays and Dr. visits and this is nothing compared to what we will face in about 72 days. For now I just live day by day, and everyday lil guy stays inside its even better. I am excited to see what the Dr's say on Thursday, I hope and pray the gel works and does what we think it is suppose to do. I have talked to other moms who had it done and with one it worked and the other there was no change. I am lucky number 6 to have the procedure done ( well lets hope its lucky #6). Thanks for all the prayers I truly do thank all of you from the bottom of my heart <3
Friday, May 13, 2011
I look back at the past month and think how much my life has changed. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought this pregnancy would have included 3 surgery's in a little over a month, that my baby would be born with such a scary thing like CDH. Now we just have to wait to see if the gel in his lungs will work as well as it did for the other baby. The Dr came in and done an ultrasound yesterday before I left the hospital and to our surprise we could actually see a left lung for the 1st time on an ultrasound. I knew then that doing that surgery was defiantly the right thing to do so our lil guy will have a fighting chance. I am excited yet scared at the same time to see what the next month will bring us. Right now we are hoping I stay pregnant for the next 78 days, which will put me at 37 weeks. In the mean time our lil guy has been kicking away :) and I love evry lil kick I get . Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers<3
Friday, May 6, 2011
So the past week has been rough. Had to go to the hospital again with pain in my stomach and they thought it was my ovary twisting again but then they got in there and found that I have a fibroid that is huge and is attached to the ovary. While in there they seen pus around my appendix so they took that out not really knowing if that was causing me the pain but they wanted to take it just in case. So we left the hospital after a 2 night stay and headed to Cardinal Glennon to the Fetal Care Institute (FCI) I was praying we would get good news again but I know that with CDH babies good news is not a very common thing to happen. The doctors couldn't really get a great view b/c the baby was curled up and with all the gas in my stomach from just having surgery they couldn't get the best of views. We could tell that his lungs were not growing like we had hoped for so they said if we wanted to do the hydrogel procedure it would be best that we do that next week. That would mean yet another surgery for me to have to go through (#3), but if there is a chance it can save my baby then I will do it. The scary thing is after I have it I am going to be high risk for early labor and they told me that I HAVE to make it to 37 weeks for a chance. Then most likely at 37 weeks I will have a scheduled c section... I just hope that the surgery goes smooth and I get through it without any contractions. I still find it hard to believe that all of this is happening. I find myself wondering if I can handle all of this before he is even here and then what I have to face when he gets here, then I get this little kick from inside telling me that it is all worth it. For the next week I need everyone to pray that the surgery goes well and the week following as well since I will be at high risk of preterm labor.