Sunday, August 14, 2011

The final hours ...

It has taken me a while to  be able to finish this blog up, I surely expected to be updating while in the hospital.

 July 29th came and with little  sleep  Dustin and I  made our way to the  Fetal Care Institute  to begin the  process  of the best and  we would soon find out  the hardest day or our life. Once we were there  the  two grandma's,  3  grandpa's, 2 uncles, and  a  great  aunt and  uncle showed up to  help us welcome this amazing little guy into the  world. While laying there  getting  all checked in and   ready Parker was  kicking away and I was  enjoying every last minute of it and  getting scared  as every minute that passed meant that  my little  guy would have to start his fight soon. The  ride up to delivery was  one of the  scariest moment I thought I would ever have . Delivery was a little later than  it was suppose to be  because the   Doctor was running late   but to me it didn't matter  that was just longer that I was  protecting my  baby.
Parker made his way into this  world at  9:01 am  :)  I am  not sure what time it was that  I actually got to the  NICU to see him . I woke up in recovery and all I wanted to know was that he was ok and  not on Ecmo. They kept telling me he was  doing  great and not on  ECMO, and at the time he was doing ok . At this point  family  had not  seen him  yet. As they  pushed my  bed into his  NICU  room  I seen a  lot of people  standing outside his room  and thought it was a little  weird  but I was just excited to see my   Parker,  my little  fighter.
The moment I seen him I felt complete  and for once in my life I had done something right. Even with the breathing  tubes in him  he  was perfect. He looked so much like his  daddy :) I was the happiest I had ever been in my life  with  my baby and  my husband there   standing next to me,  my two loves .
Within minutes of the best  moment in my life  it came to the  worst news anyone could ever  want to hear.       "There is nothing more we can  do" I was  so confused I was  told he was doing ok now  I was being told this was it.  I didnt  understand. They then  told me he wasnt  going to make it. My world came crashing down. How am I suppose to say  hello and  goodbye to my baby all in the same day? I just  didnt  understand what  they were telling me . They  told me that  they had the  vents on the  highest they could put them and it still was not doing enough and  he couldnt be put on ECMO b/c his lungs were not thick enough  and it would  burn them up and  right now  the  Carbon Dioxide was building up in his body and was  going to poison his  little body. My heart sank...  I was holding my  perfect little  guy that  wansnt  going to make it and I had to let him  go and  there wasnt anything I could do. I  felt so helpless, I am suppose to  protect him  and I couldnt  any more .
My amazing  nurse  Katie  is one of the best  nurses I could have  asked for. They  had mentioned taking  Parker off his  breathing machine before we  even got to see him and she said No and wouldn't let them do it , so thanks to her  I actually got to hold my baby and see him open his little eyes and he  was able to hold our fingers. She also got them to let me take Parker to St.Marys so I could spend some more time with him. She  hand pumped him  all the way there  just  so we  had  more  precious time with him  She is an amazing  women that I will never  in my life forget what she  did  for me.
Parker passed away at  2:15 in his daddies  arms.
He only  lived for a  couple short hours but he changed our  life forever.
This will be the  final blog entry for our little Parker, I will leave it up for other mothers who will have to go through this and  look for information or answers or whatever it may be that  they are looking   for

Mommy loves  you more than life it self Parker, there will not be one  second of one day that I do not think about you and what  should have  been.<3