I sat around today and was thinking how I cant wait to have my lil guy to chase by the pool and spend my summer days with. I so cant wait to see his lil face and hold those lil feet that have been kicking me every night. It amazes me how I can love someone so much and he isn't even here yet and he is already my world. I catch myself talking about how things are going to be when he is older or just things I wanna do with him and then I am brought back to reality that we are not sure we even have a future and it crushes me on the inside that I even have to think like that. I just want so bad to wake up and this just be a nightmare and I find out that my babies lungs are perfect and there is no doubt I will bring him home. I don't feel bad for myself for having to deal with all the stress and anxiety from knowing that My baby has CDH, I feel bad when I think about how hard he is going to have it in just the first couple weeks of his life and that I am helpless in doing anything to help him.
I keep thinking about how my delivery is going to happen and how that day is going happen. Just thinking about it scares me to death. I get asked well you are excited right? I am so excited to see that little face that I have been trying to have for many years now, but I know him being inside me is the safest place for him and the only way I can protect him. Knowing that I am going to wake up and he wont be in there anymore just don't seem real after having 3 other surgery while pregnant and I would always ask is my baby OK and now it wont be that easy.
I was reading through another mothers blog who has a baby with CDH and I found some words that I thought were really good .
Having a baby with a birth defect such as CDH or any other kind, does not mean you are less blessed then someone who does not have one. If your child dies in the womb or outside of the womb at ANY age, you are not less of a mother or father. In fact, your more blessed then you think. We are more blessed. Because God has chosen us to be there mommies and daddies. He chose us before they were even thought of, and God KNEW that only a strong Mommy and Daddy could endure such heart ache. It's ok to hurt, it doesn't mean we've given up. It's ok to cry, it doesn't mean we don't have hope. The important thing is that we don't get off track, and we keep pushing toward the finish line