Sunday, May 29, 2011

Everyday makes it just a lil closer

        I sat around today and  was thinking  how I cant wait to have  my lil  guy to  chase  by the  pool and  spend   my summer days with. I so cant wait to see his lil face and  hold those lil feet that have  been kicking me  every night. It amazes me how I can  love someone so much and he isn't even here yet and he is already  my world. I catch myself talking about  how things are going to be  when he is older or  just things I wanna do  with him and  then  I am brought back to reality that we are not sure we  even have a future and  it crushes me on the inside that I even have to think like that. I just want  so bad to wake up and  this just be a nightmare and  I find out that  my babies lungs are  perfect and there is no doubt I will bring him home. I don't feel  bad  for myself for having to deal with  all the  stress and  anxiety  from knowing that My baby has CDH, I feel bad when I think about  how hard he is going to have it  in just the first  couple weeks of his life and that I am  helpless in  doing anything to help him.
I keep thinking about how my delivery is  going to  happen and how that  day is  going  happen. Just thinking about it  scares me to  death. I  get asked  well you are  excited  right?  I am  so excited to see that little face that I have been  trying to  have for  many years now, but I know  him being inside me is the  safest  place for him and  the only way I can  protect him. Knowing that  I am going to wake up and he  wont be in there anymore  just don't seem real after having 3 other surgery while  pregnant and  I would always  ask is my  baby OK and now it wont be that easy.

          I was reading through another mothers  blog who has a baby with CDH and I found  some  words that   I thought  were  really good .
      Having a baby with a birth defect such as CDH or any other kind, does not mean you are less blessed then someone who does not have one. If your child dies in the womb or outside of the womb at ANY age, you are not less of a mother or father.  In fact, your more blessed then you think.  We are more blessed.  Because God has chosen us to be there mommies and daddies.  He chose us before they were even thought of, and God KNEW that only a strong Mommy and Daddy could endure such heart ache. It's ok to hurt, it doesn't mean we've given up.  It's ok to cry, it doesn't mean we don't have hope.  The important thing is that we don't get off track, and we keep pushing toward the finish line


  1. Julia , you are amazing for being so strong .As your mother , your best friend , I have to say you are doing an amazing job at staying postive and doing what your supose to . God gave you this presious lil guy , to love , to hold , to worship his every lil move , and you are the special person he will call mommie , This you can hold in your heart forever . So when hes not in your tummy , just remenber he will always be your son in your heart forever .Love your mother

  2. Sweet Julia, You do not even know me - I came across your facebook page tonight some way - some how. Most likely fate. Tears streamed as I read where you lost your precious baby boy. I then proceeded to go towards your blog which I read word by word each entry. Three hours later I landed on this page...I have to admit I read your last paragraph at least 5 times. I admire you so much...and you are a stranger. You have many people praying for you. I know by reading what you wrote that you will pull through this. I also know by what you wrote that you will again be a mother again one day. I know this because after reading those words you reminded me so much of myself. I know everyone compares their stories of lost with yours when you loose someone so I do not want to do that. Yes I did loose children - Many through the years as a foster mom wanting to adopt. My husband and I finally adopted two beautiful children who are now 9 and 5. But my main point was that you have DETERMINATION in your words - please please hang on to that. You are a mother now to your precious Parker...Hold on to that - Treasure the blessing that he has been to your life. Dont ignore that determination in your heart that Jesus has placed there for you - He wants you to be a Mother again or it simply would not be there. May God bless your family today and always. You are an incredible woman and your story has been a blessing to me. Thank you for sharing it with us all.